Somehow a few small lines in a song can say more than a thousand words spoken or written. Or, at least that's how I see it.
I have been married to my sweetheart for almost 10 years, I've been calling him my sweetheart for over 13. He is my best friend. He is the best looking man I have ever seen. He is my whole life. I could go on for hours on how great he is. When I write all that it sounds like we have a fairy tale relationship, doesn't it? I have had more than one friend (ones that we rarely see) comment on how Rob and I have this idealistic relationship. In some ways I think they are right because Rob and I love each other far more today than the day we got married. But, like all relationships, ours has not been void of problems. The good, the bad, and the ugly? Yes, we have definitely experienced all three, and I'm sure that we will continue to do so.
I remember one particularly painful summer when things started to feel hopeless for both of us. One night we went to a concert with some friends and after the artist rocked some of his songs for a while he sang an Eagles song that I had never heard before called "After the Thrill is Gone" The lyrics are:
Same dances in the same old shoes
Some habits that you just can't lose
There's no telling what a man might lose,
After the thrill is gone
The flame rises but it soon descends
Empty pages and a frozen pen
You're not quite lovers and you're not quite friends
After the thrill is gone, oh
After the thrill is gone
What can you do when your dreams come true
And it's not quite like you planned?
What have you done to be losing the one
You held it so tight in your hand, well
Time passes and you must move on,
Half the distance takes you twice as long
So you keep on singing for the sake of the song
After the thrill is gone
You're afraid you might fall out of fashion
And you're feeling cold and small
Any kind of love without passion
That ain't no kind of lovin' at all, well
Same dances in the same old shoes
You get too careful with the steps you choose
And don't care about winning but you don't want to lose
After the thrill is gone
Ouch. As we listened to that song I sobbed. It was just the way I was feeling. It was like staring at something broken that you can't replace, but you have no idea how to fix. We were in a downward spiral, we were both hurting so much and the more we hurt, the more we did and said things to cause more damage to our relationship. The crazy thing was that we were both exhausted and feeling like we were doing all that we could to fix things. I'm ashamed to admit that it was this summer that I started thinking that maybe it wasn't going to work, that too much damage had been done. I know that when I allowed this sort of thinking into my mind, it definitely made things worse. On top of everything else that Rob was facing, he now had the uncertainty of a wife with one foot out the door. I can't imagine how that must have hurt him. Of course, I couldn't see it at the time because I was so consumed with my own pain. Hardly, sounds like a fairy tale now, huh?
Well, things have improved considerably for us so luckily the story doesn't end there. At one of my lowest points, my mom challenged Rob and I to watch a movie alone together. The movie was "Fireproof" and it was made by ministers at the Sherwood Baptist Church in Georgia. There was a point in the movie when the main character is talking to his best friend and his best friend says something like "People say for better or worse when they get married, but they only mean for better." Whoa! That really got me thinking. Do we really mean what we say when we start our marriages? Do we really intend on staying and working together through the bad times? Do we really promise to stay true and faithful when we are seeing our spouse at their worst? Are we really going to continue to love them when it's no longer easy? Or do we expect our love to function on auto-pilot while we put all of our time and energy into children/pets/careers/hobbies/friends/ourselves/etc.? Do we expect our spouse to continue to write little love notes and send flowers? Do we take the time and effort to continue to court them? Are we doing things for our sweetheart because we love them, not because we expect anything in return? Are we quick to forgive? Are we working hard to remove bitterness and resentment? I ask all of these questions, not to judge any other marriages, but because these are all things I have to continually ask myself. I do think that to keep a marriage strong, we need to continually take our own inventory and correct course if needed.
Rob and I continue to face struggles. I am certain that we always will. Things aren't perfect for us, we're not blissfully happy all the time. But we love each other. We are committed to each other. We are willing to put in the work to enjoy our happily ever after. Some days we don't try as hard as others, but we're trying.
I share this in hopes that somewhere someone can learn from my mistakes. Learn that if your marriage is falling flat, it does not mean that it's time to get out, it means that it's time to put more in. If you feel your spouse is treating you unkindly, it's time to be even more kind and loving towards them. If you want your spouse to pay more attention to you, give them more of your time and attention.
At the end of the movie Fireproof (which I highly recommend to anyone) they play a song called "Love is not a fight" (below on my playlist) and there's a line that says "and if we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door". I am so thankful for the angels that were there to guard the door for me. Especially my mother.
President Gordon B. Hinckley said "Cherish your spouse as the greatest possesion of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort of your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another."
"No love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."
